Death of a Spider

I love my husband.  I do.  I'm the luckiest girl in the world.  Mostly, because he humors me.  I'm a hot mess.  I don't deny it.  But also because he plays along with my crazy.  When I first started reading blogs on a regular basis, it was because of The Bloggess.  She is amazing.  I will read them to the Hubs because they are too good not to share.  But his one request is that I read them first and get my laughing hysterically to the point of tears fit out of the way beforehand.  If you don't understand, you need to look up and read Beyonce the Big Metal Chicken.  (And if you know me, and especially if you know my friend Sarah, then you know why I heart this woman and her blog.  It's because this is how we sound.)

And this fascinating woman, The Bloggess, has a husband named Victor, who tolerates her tangents, love of taxidermied animals, and general hilarity.  And after the first time I read a post that was only a conversation between her and Victor, I was hooked.  Not because it's a riot, but because it sounds like me and the Hubs, although we aren't quite up to their level of conversation skills of crazytown.  But in our defense, we've been married less than a year.  Give it time, people.

Case in point. Conversation while we was out of town in Texas, and I was home in Jersey with the twins in our big creepy house. ALL BY TEXT.

Me: Have you seen the floss?

Hubs: In the bathroom, in the floor, beside the closet.

Me: Seriously?  The floor?  Why didn't you pick it up?

Hubs: Because I didn't need it.

(10 minutes later)

Me:  Shut up!  The floss was exactly where you said it was.

Hubs: I know.

(30 minutes later)

Me: I have no idea how to play, but you should download Draw Something.  Everyone is talking about it, and I am an excellent drawer.

Hubs: I love the game

Me: Who do you play with?  Are you App cheating on me? OMG, I hate you.

Hubs: No one I haven't got it yet.

Me: Then, how do you "love it" Don't start with your lies

Hubs: The guy on the plane had it.

Me: Guy on the plane?  Seriously, Alec Baldwin got in trouble for games on the plane.  And why are you stalking the guy next to you.  Guy?  Don't you mean...your lover?

Hubs: Ha! Also Lesley has it.

Me: Download it and let's start playing.

(while I'm waiting and waiting)

Me: Two things. 1. The kids are sleeping in our room.  There are 14 stuffed animals on our headboard.  Yes, I counted.  2.  I just killed the biggest fucking spider I have ever seen.  He was in our bedroom just sitting there watching tv.

Hubs:  So you are with big bugs now, huh?  Maybe you are the one cheating.

Hubs: Did he say anything before you killed him?

Me: He seemed to whisper in his little dying bug voice..."Peanut butter jelly time.  Peanut butter jelly time."

Hubs: He didn't dance?  No, he wasn't dancing because you killed him.  He could have been our ticket to the big time.

Hubs:  Welcome to the singing and dancing big fucking bug show.

Me: Nah, he was just sitting there.  I think he had ADD or was an addict.  A tv addict.  I'm pretty sure he would have gotten famous, but it would just have ended in celebrity scary bug rehab with Dr. Drew.

Hubs:  What if Dr. Drew is afraid of bug, especially spiders. That wouldn't have gone well.  Good thing you killed and saved Dr. Drew's life.

Me: Speaking of addicted.....paper toss=hooked.  I'm so lame.

Hubs:  How fast is the fan blowing?

Me:  WTH?  How do you know all these Apps?  App cheater!

Me: Uh.  That little fucking intern in the chair.  I wanna beat him...with a stapler.

Hubs:  If you do enough, you can buy a stapler.

Me: SHUT UP....are you kidding?

Me:  OMG, I just found it.  I must have it.  I must have a virtual stapler!

Hubs:  (where is my stayplur, I need my stayplur)

Me: You know, I'm totally saving the rainforest this way...though I've never sat and tossed paper into a trash can, but it I was going to, this would save the rainforest.

Hubs: There's an app for both of those.

Me: Both what?

Hubs: Saving the rainforest and beating your boss with a stapler.

Me: I don't have a boss...guess I'd just have to beat you, LOL.  Though...."you ain't the boss of me!"

Hubs:Wouldn't attempt it. Wouldn't wanna be responsible.

Me: Wow.  This room stinks.  I think the dog has gas.  It's almost like you are here.  Awww.  Come home soon.  Miss you and your smells.

Hubs: G'night hun.

(If you made it through all of that, then you are either 1. My mother. 2. My best friend, Hey Kel! 3. Married to me, and looking to be quoted correctly.  4. REALLY REALLY bored.  Either way.  Thanks for humoring me as well.)