Sunday, November 24, 2013

My Journey

As a middle school history teacher, I teach about epic battles or epic journeys.  Two weeks ago, I made a decision to start my own.  I am determined to win the battle of my weight.  Oh, it's on.

It started a couple of months ago, when I busted a button on my pants on the way to work.  Nothing says professional like not being able to button your pants.  Other than bitching to myself and my poor husband, I guess I got pretty vocal.  You see, I lost myself somewhere along the way.  I forgot that I was brave, strong, pretty, and fun.  I hide behind and inside of my weight.  I'm ashamed.  I'm embarrassed.  I feel like a failure.  A fool.  A loser.  But mostly, I feel like a bad example for my kids (and my 75 at work).  How can I teach them to get back up, dust themselves off, and get after it...when I don't?

Enter Liz...

My friend, Liz, Funny Postpartum Lady to many of you, is also the woman behind New Mom Body. Now, she and I have never met "in real life," but I might as well have known her for years.  Both moms, both stepmoms, both Marine wives, and I think we both have a wicked sense of humor.  I follow ALL of her blogs, businesses, and her marathon training.  She's kind of a badass.  I've watched her lose her baby weight and get in shape.  I kept saying that I needed a jumpstart.  Just...something.  One night she offered to push me off the cliff.  She asked if I'd be willing to try a 30 day trial of Plexus Slim. 

So, let me see...drink one pink drink each morning and lose weight.  C'mon nothing is that easy.  30 day trial, huh?  What have a I got to lose, besides some weight.  I decided to also take the Accelerator+ as well, I mean, if we are gonna do this, let's do it! 

Two weeks later...

I'm down 4lbs, and down a couple of inches overall.
(disclaimer: probably more "Aunt Flo" showed up a week early, so I bet next week will be awesome!)

Now, you may not believe 4lbs to be worth it.  I say to you.  OMG!!!!  All I did was drink this super yummy pink drink before breakfast and take a Accelerator+.  Y'all....that is ALL I DID.  Three days in I was no longer craving soda, but I was hungry A LOT!  But I couldn't eat much, so I was eating 4-5-6 little meals a day.  I was not craving sugar.  What the What????  Yes!  And now I love getting my day started my pink drink.  It's like happy in a bottle!

To really explain this....I crave sugar like the cookie monster craves his cookies...and I look similar when I get some.  AND I am a soda-a-holic.  1-3 huge Dr. Peppers each day.  The more I get, the more I want.  I can't ever have enough "Cokes".  To go from this to....passing on anything sweet and refilling my water is unreal.  Sure, I'm had some soda, but it's rare, and half the time I don't finish an 8oz can, when I would drink a 20oz bottle and look for more.

SO....I'm looking forward to seeing where this will take me in the next 2 weeks.  And I can already see me going farther in the next couple of months. This was just the step I needed.  I needed to see my scale finally I could motivate myself to get up and move.  I have so much more energy.  I feel clearer, like my brain is coming out of a fog. 

I can't wait to report back again....

(by the way....I talked Hubs into this, as well.  And he's on his third week....he's down 8lbs.)

Thank you, Liz!  And thank you, Plexus!!!

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Big mistake, huge!

Yep.  I gave up sodas.  All sodas.  What was I thinking?

I decided about a week ago that working out would do me no good if I was still obsessed with Dr. Pepper.  And if you know me, you know it's an obsession.  I dream of DP.  I can almost taste it now.

Any ole who, I said my goodbyes, bid farewell to my friend, and began the journey to free myself of the evil caffeine and sugar addiction.  Now, don't get all sentimental.  It wasn't a New Year's resolution.  It was a "Damn, this stuff if going to kill me" realization.  Mostly, because one is never enough.  It was gallons a day.  I'm almost embarrassed to type that.

Some have joked with me that they can't believe the last drink I had was Coke and not DP.  Surely, my love would have made me say a fond farewell to the great DP.  Well, I wasn't thinking.  It was the last one in the fridge, and well, this page isn't called Super Jen and Her Fabulous Powers of Sanity.  Honestly, I wasn't thinking.  But a few days in, and I realize that it wouldn't have mattered.  I want one. Or two. Or seven.  And there, my friends, is the problem that got us to this point.  So, I haven't cheated.  Not. A. Sip.

But don't make me out to be a superhero either.  I literally could not walking down the soft drink aisle at Walmart.  Hubs thought it was hilarious. I shouted...a little too loudly..."Would you take an alcoholic to a bar?  Well, I'm not strong enough for the DP aisle!"  Pretty sure, my kids were looking to lock me up in the crazy house after that.

For now, I am praying to the green tea gods to calm my craving.  And making nice with sips of Ginger Ale for the bubbles.  Baby steps, I guess, since that's still caffeine and sugar.  But it's minimal in comparison.  And the first steps are always the hardest.

Wish me luck.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Target is the new Walmart

I don't like tattoos. No hearts. No butterflies.  No...No.  And yes, I'm totally aware that I married a military man, but I managed to find the one UN-inked man left in the USMC.  But to me, tats are tacky. me.  Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.  I don't really care what you do to your body, but I am kinda tired of seeing your personal doodle pad.

Let's back up...last week in Target (where else would I be?), I quickly realized I might be the only person in the store without a tattoo.  And y'all, I ain't talking cutsie little butterflies and hearts.  I'm talking ALL OVER tattoos.  I started looking around to make sure I was still in Target...not Walmart.  As I'm strolling through the store making my own personal wish list, I passed several different families each with the MOTHERS covered in tattoos.  Yes, go me a conservative prude. You'd be very wrong, but on this one...ewww!

I overheard one mom talking on her cell that she and her daughter...not yet tats together to celebrate something or other.  Is this what we do now?  Cause I can go ahead and break the news to ain't happenin'. Lucky for me I grew up where my grandmother, mama, aunts, etc. weren't walking billboards for drunken dumbass nights.  And I respect them for it.  (could one or more have a tattoo that I don't know about...sure.  But see that's the point...I don't have to SEE it.)

Tattoos used to be private.  Something only those intimately connected to you would know about.  Or men who served our country who inked themselves to seal the bond with their brothers of times spent in training, in war, away from their blood family.  It was a badge of honor.  This new lifestyle is stupid.  I get that it's an art form.  I mean, it takes talent, patience, but a little sadomasochistic mentality in my opinion.  (and if I spelled that wrong, bite me, since you'd probably enjoy it.)

Here are my random thoughts:
Chinese characters:  Do you think it's going to make you fast friends when China takes over?   I'm thinking before I permanently write in another language on myself, I'd do some serious research...just to make sure. 
Boobs: Girls, when you have kids...these things grow and way to know what that cute little tattoo will look like afterwards. 
Tramp Stamp: Y' really is.  It's already bad enough to see men checking out women's asses, but stretching to catch a glimpse of some "secret" tattoo right about your butt are advertising exactly what you are.
Quotes:  I love quotes.  I have a whole book of quotes that I've collected over the years...but these deep thoughts tattooed all over you...anything you could possibly say, no matter how DEEP, is cancelled out by your big flashy billboarding of your body.  Live by example.  It is really true that actions speak louder than words.

And honestly, cause I'm insane, I kept thinking of these men or women with pictures and sayings all over them trying to be intimate with their partner.  I don't know about y'all, but when I get undressed, the last thing I want is him READING.  Unless it's in braille.  (sorry, mama).

But let me leave you with this one thought....if you aren't pissed and have logged off....remember how you look back at old photos like middle school or those 80s pictures of the big hair and crazy clothes.  Remember how you laugh at how ridiculous you look and how far you've come.....Now think of having to wear that outfit EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. of your life because that's what a tattoo is.  It's a moment, a passing feeling that you permanently put on your body. 

I wear my tattoos on my heart.  But again...that's just me.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner

Alright already. I know it's been a while.  What?  I've been busy.  And while I was on hiatus, this amazing and funny chick (that's totally PC, right?) gave me an award.  Me!  I was as shocked as you.  I mean, wow!  And there's no way I could let her down.  So.... you like me, you really like me!!! (well, at least one person besides my mama). 

And come the rules.  It's like the small print on the car commercials or the fast-talking guy on the radio commercials.  There's always fine print.  Here goes.  I have to acknowledge the award giver, answer 7 questions, and give up 10 unknown facts (hardest part, I'm already an open book), and then I win a brand new car!!!!  No, no car.  But in my head, it was very Price Is Right with me jumping screaming and kissing the host, right?

In my imagined award show...the Jemmy's?  Sorry, that's as close to Emmys as I could get.  My amazing award giver, who I imagine coming on stage with some cute jokes to present my award (there's totally a statue right?) and talk about my awesomeness is frugalistablogdotcom.  She is so much fun.  Never afraid to talk about a topic.  I mean, she'll talk family, parenting, sex, her Hubs (McSweetie), even sex with McSweetie.  And her video blogs...vlogs and music videos.  Oh. My. Gawd.  Y'all.  Not only do you have to start reading her gotta find her on facebook and twitter, if you understand how to use the damn twitter.  If so, you can go twitter-stalk some celebs with her.  James Bond, you've been warned.


What is my favorite song?
That's like choosing a favorite child.  I love music.  It speaks to my soul.  But as much as many would guess it's James Taylor.  It's actually "Have a Little Faith in Me".   Back when I was a single mom, I kept hoping that my kids would always know Mama was taking care of business and doing everything for them.  And I've always been so protective of my students over the years, leading, guiding, mothering them.  I wanted them to always have faith in me to keep going....never give up.

What is my favorite dessert?
Honestly, it's the Vanilla Bean Cheesecake from TGIFridays.  But quite possibly, my friend Kim's pound cake with strawberries.  Well, crap.  Now, I'm hungry.  Awesome.

What do you do when you are upset?
I tend to clean.  It's weird.  Happy=messy.  Pissed=clean.  It's like the water is my tears and the scrubbing is my anger.  Deep right?

Favorite pet?
Bella.  My puppy from college.  She was hilarious.  Refused all dog food, loved cheetos.  Rode in my car like a human.  And when she sat in front of you, she'd slowly slide back to where she was snuggling with you.  It was so funny watching her be sneaky.

White or Whole Wheat?
I guess whole wheat, whole grain, multi-grain.  Even our pasta and "wraps" are.  I blame my husband. I can't even eat regular flour tortillas anymore.  It's so messed up.

What is your biggest fear?
Failure.  Failure as a parent and daughter.  Failing at any task.  This has prevented me from doing lots of things in my life.  Sad but true.

What is your attitude mostly?
Most would say pessimist.  I say realist based on the events of my life.  But I choose to say my attitude is GRATEFUL.  I am grateful for each day, the people in my life, and basically everything that surrounds me.  Seriously, I love the craziest things.  There's a field near my house of just tall grass, but the colors, the movement, the beauty that takes me breath away, and I'm grateful to drive by it each day.  Yep, I'm that nauseating.

1. I used to have this reoccurring dream about a bridge that I'm supposed to cross, but it's out, and I have to jump it in my car or swing across it.  I had this dream weekly until I told my mom once, and she had almost the identical dream...and I haven't had it since.

2. I get these "feelings" out of no where, like hair standing up on the back of neck, sometimes almost painful in my stomach.  It's my sixth sense, my gut telling me things.  But sometimes it's about topics that have nothing to do with me, directly.  It's not often, thankfully, because it's upsetting.  And I spend so much time trying to figure out how my mind got there, as if something surely caused me to have that thought.  The last one was a couple of weeks ago about my husband's grandmother who I haven't seen or spoken to since Thanksgiving...a day later he got the call that she was very ill and going to pass away.  She was gone less than a week later.  And I hate we weren't there to tell her goodbye.  So it's not really a gift in my opinion because I can't tell how it'll play out. 

3. I'm a job snob.  I don't want to work just anywhere.  So when I complain about needing a job, you have to ignore me.  I want a good job.  I have 6 years of college, two degrees, and 8 years of teaching.  So yeah, I don't want to work at the grocery store.  Nothing wrong with it, but I want to do something that makes a difference, something I believe in.  Love me or hate me.  It's who I am.

4. I like plain.  Cookie? Sugar. Ice Cream? Vanilla. Pizza? Cheese.  I don't like to mix and match my stuff.  It's weird and boring. But I like boring.

5.  I'm a jealous person.  JEALOUS.  But I'm also fiercely basically, just don't screw with me.

6. I think my birthday is a big deal.  But I'm weird about presents.  I think they should have meaning or don't bother.  And yes, it's a test.  It will tell me whether you really know me and how much you care for me.  But it's not about money.  Case in husband knows flowers make me sad because they die.  Valentine's Day this year, he made me paper flowers, so they would never die.  It was the thought, the time he put into it, and the really GETTING me.  <Swoon>

7. I'm a great liar.

8. I want to go to law school, but I'm too scared. (see above on failure)

9. I can't swim.  Not under the water.  I have to hold my nose.  And then I can't see.  And I'm too scared to learn.  There are some things you need to learn early.

10. Broken my nose several times. I have deviated septums.  But once I damaged it so badly that it messed up a tube connecting my nose to my ear.  My ear is so messed up that instead of hearing loss I have hearing like a dog.  I can hear so well that you better be careful if you are talking about me and thinking I can't hear you.  News Flash.... I heard that! (But not the worst trait as a teacher, especially in middle school)

NOW, I'm supposed to bestow this award on those that I enjoy.  Sadly, most of my favorites are the Big Dawgs who don't know I exist.  So, for the sake my coughing fit (I really need to go to bed), I'm going to choose one of my faves....

Marvelous Mo' and Me
M3 is FANTASTIC!  She has been supportive in bloggyland and in real life.  We've never met, but we live only 90 minutes from each other.  We both have smartass 6 year olds.  Hers is Mo.  And the best part is M3 is hilarious. This one can make me smile through anything.  Honestly, if you aren't one of her fans, you are missing out. 

Marine Wife, Mom, Work & Life
As a new Marine wife, I love her support and advice.  She and I also have a lot in common with relationships, kids, and now her new job as stay-at-home mommy to her two boys.  She has the funniest pics and ecards on Facebook, but I love following her days of baby, boy, and life on base.  Hurry and catch her while she's still vacationing in Cali.

No seriously....go find these girls, NOW!

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Crazy Like A...Cat

I just haven't felt funny lately. Sure, I've spit out a one-liner here and there.  But it's just not like me.  So, I sat. Staring at the screen, where in walks, Lola.  (That's right, buckle up and hold on tight.)

Lola: What are you doing?  Are you on Facebook....again?
Me: No, I'm writing on my blog.  The Jensanity one.
Lola: Oh, about again?
Me: (crap!)  No, just about stuff that makes me insane.
Lola:  Insane?
Me:  You know, Jensanity....Jen + Insanity.
Lola:  Yeah, what's insanity.
Me: It's just that makes me crazy.  I write about, share it.
Lola:  Mom!  I don't think it's a good idea to tell everyone you are crazy.  That's not good.
Me:  (laughing)  Oh honey, I think the cat is out of the bag on that one...
Lola: (looking around, nervously, arms out questioning)  WHAT CAT?
Me: (laughing hysterically)  Nevermind.  Why don't you tell me what makes you crazy?
Lola:  How much time do you have?  It's a big list.

She runs to get her brother.  Together they make a list of a few of the things that make them crazy.


1.  When the dog eats my that dinosaur I built at Lowe's.  Poor diney...he probably couldn't even fight him off with his little bitty arms.
2. Rain on game days.  It's like it only rains on Wednesdays.  Maybe God doesn't want us to play games on these days.
3. The smell of a stinkbug.  Yuck.
4. Training wheels.  I hate them, but I'm too scared to try without.  I am not good without extra wheels.
5.When my car won't charge.  How am I supposed to learned to drive when it won't charge to let me ride around the yard.  I think you broke it, Mama.
6. Those new happy meals with only a few fries.  Like 5.  What's that about?  I mean, I like apples, but if we were gonna eat healthy, we would go somewhere else.
7. Hairbows.  I'm a girl.  It's not like people say, "Look at that pretty boy over there, oh no, wait, a hairbow, must be a girl"  (Wow, the sarcasm...damn!)
8. Pencils that break during homework when I just went downstairs to sharpen it.  Ugh, makes me so mad.
9. When Braden (step-daddy) says we have to eat Goulash for dinner.  I don't know what it is, but it sounds like garbage.
10.  You, mom.  You make us crazy.  Like everything you do.  CRA-ZY!  So, if we are crazy, it's because you make us this way.  But I mean, we still love you.  Like a lot.  So, I guess we love you like crazy, too, huh?

I'll take that!

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Conversations with Lola...

Lola.  One half of my favorite two little people on the planet.  She is a hot mess.  I'm pretty sure that phase was coined just for her.  This same child announced when she was two that she would not be called by her name (it was her middle name), but would be using her first name (by the way, thanks Daddy).  Well, now, she's thinking of changing it again....because "I'm bored with it.  I'm so over it.  So, let's just go to the other one again and see how that feels."  Seriously?  Yep. 
Don't be deceived by the innocence.
Same kid thinking it'd be funny to have a shot of her strangling her brother
If you know me in the real world, then you have been subjected to her funny sayings a while now.  This child came out funny.  I honestly think she cried so much as a baby because she couldn't talk or give her opinion.  Most say she is the spitting image of me.  I don't see it.  She's beautiful.  Strong-willed, tough, big-hearted, truthful, forgetful and fiecely loyal to her twin brother. And the girl has moves...stripper moves, but still.  There was this time in TGIFridays that I and the rest of partrons may never forget.  (think lap dance with no one in the chair.  Hubs almost needed the heimlich).  But the best feature on this kid...her mouth.  Her smart mouth.  If sarcasm is an inherited apologies to her future husband.  And she will tell it like it anyone, anytime, anywhere.  The number of times me or the Hubs have almost had choked on Dr. Pepper...

For example, this was today...

Lola: Mama, what are you doing?
Me: Trying to figure something out.
Lola: You should Google it.  Google knows everything.  Even more than you, Mom.
Me: Thanks.  I did Google.
Lola:  Why is your face all "frowny"?  I can see those lines on your face that you hate.
Me: Oh, really?
Lola:  You will need shots.
Me: Shots?
Lola: My friend, her Mama gets shots in her face that make her face freeze like this (making a stretched-tight face).
Me: Botox?
Lola:  I don't know what kind of box, but she said it's weird.
Me: Hmmm.
Lola:  And my other friend's mom, she got new boobies.  They are HUGE!  Like this big (stretching her arms out).
Me: How do you know this?
Lola:  We talk about stuff at school.
Me: Oh really....and what do you say about me?
Lola: That you are always kissing my stepdad. And it's a lot.  And it's gross.  And sometimes you lick him.
Me: (my full attention now) WHAT?  I lick him?  What are you talking about?
Lola:  The other night, you were kissing in the kitchen, and you were kissing a lot, and I think I saw your tongue.  Why would you do that?
Me: (stupified) Lo, first of all, I was NOT licking him.  I was just kissing him.  Second, stop sneaking in and staring at us. Third, kissing is special for people who are married.  So, let's don't share that with friends from school....or anyone with school. (Fourth, for me, make sure I'm not "licking" the Hubs in the kitchen anymore, ha!)
Lola:  Sure, Mom, I've got plenty of other stories to share...(as she bounces out of the room)
Me: Lo!  LO!!!  LOOOOO!!!!  <<facepalm>>

Monday, May 21, 2012

1 down, 49+ to go

I never thought I'd get married.  Not again.  No way.  And then this guy came along.

No one makes me laugh as hard.  No one gets me as much.  No one lets me be me without having to apologize.  He lets me rant.  He lets me talk in circles (and follows along).  He thinks I'm enough, not too much, just perfect.  So, for this man, what do you get for an anniversary gift?  We are weird about gifts.  We like to make them or, if buying, it has to mean something.

We all know that there is the traditional wedding anniversary list, right?  1. Paper  2. Cotton. 3. Leather. 10. Tin. 25. Silver. 50. Gold.  Sure, but no one has ever accused me of being traditional.  So, I started researching the Modern List.  1. Plastic/Clock, 2. Cotton/China, 3. Crystal/Glass.  Pick one already.  Because if I'm anything, it's indecisive.  I need things narrowed down, not wide-open.  Close the floodgates already! (by the way, Hubs, if you are reading this, do not, I repeat, DO NOT buy me a clock or plastic tuperware!  Otherwise, you'll end up in the bunks with Bear).

But then I discovered those whole other level of crazy:  The Travel Anniversary List.  Have you heard of this?  1. Airline tickets, 2. Beach Towels, 3. Luggage, 4.Lingerie/Hawaii, 5. Cruise, 6. Hershey, PA/Disney, 7. Santa Fe/Canada, 8. Casino, 9. Mexico, 10. South America 11. New York City, 12. Japan, 13. France, 14. Africa, 15. Switzerland, 16. North Carolina.....wait, what? First of all, who are the people using this list?  Maybe they aren't raising small kids on one salary, a small military salary.  And second, what the hell is with number 16?  North Carolina comes after all of those exotic countries?  Like, congratulations on sixteen wonderful years of marriage!  You get an exciting trip to....NORTH CAROLINA!!!  Now, don't get me wrong, I love me some North Carolina, but after trips to Europe and Asia, what is going on?  My favorite was the 75th anniversary, a cruise.  We'd be between 105-110 years old.  Perfect for another cruise!  Honestly, I think I've seen these people on the cruise advertisements, come to think of it.  Couldn't you see us?  The big wraparound dark glasses, yelling at each other because he can't hear me.  Oh and the swimsuits!  Yikes!  Mental picture over!!!

So, in line at the grocery store checkout, we decided there should be a 2012 version of the list.  A combo list. Some old, some new, some travel, some tech.  That's right.  The list should totally include at least 4-5 apple gadgets.

1. Paper-so many ideas, gift certificates, tickets, or a card, if you want to sleep on the couch.
2. iPod-with his/her favorite songs, of course
3. Beach towels-the beach, an island, the California coast, a Maine B&B
4. DSLR-to capture your children's faces or all the places you'll go together
5. Jewelry-sorry, it's about time, but a nice necklace or earrings would be fantastic
6. Take a class together-cooking, pottery, dancing
7. Big city-Chicago, San Francisco, New York, Boston
8. Bronze/copper
9. MacBook-I so wish this was my year, ha!
10. Hawaii-get remarried, take the kids

15. Europe-time to do it right, no kids, nicer hotels, longer trip, lots of wine

20. Jewelry-time to break out the big bucks Visa

25. Cross-country-take a drive, rent an RV, see it all!

50. Big party!

Now, I'm not big on receiving gifts.  But I love to give them.  I like to find something that is special, means something to those who are getting it, whether it is $5 or $5000.  I have no idea what this weekend will hold.  But I do know that no present could ever top what he gives me every single day: his love, his time, his full attention.  Supposedly, there will be dinner.  Possibly, a movie.  Definitely enough kissing to gross out the kids.  And if it all came down to a Redbox and Chinese takeout (which is how it all started on our first real date) that would be perfect, too.